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Few things in life are as misunderstood as BDSM. The sex practice is often accused of being physically or mentally harmful, something that s&m sex ideas survivors of abuse embrace, or abnormally kinky. At its most basic, BDSM is an umbrella term for three : bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadism and masochism more details on those in a minute.
They might each sound scary in their own right, but because they rely on a judgement-free zone where communication about your desires and boundaries come first, BDSM can actually be the safest and most fun kind of sex you can have, says Holly Richmond, PhDa somatic psychologist and certified sex therapist. Think about it: Your work schedule, rent payments, and ugh taxes are all set by external forces. BDSM offers a world of freedom to play, experiment, and allow someone else to take the reins—at your consent.
Or on the flip s&m sex ideas, if you're the one who likes to do the controlling, you get to call the shots for once. And though the practice typically does involve props, they don't make an appearance right off the bat. Instead, as a beginner, you'll want to take things slowly until you figure out what BDSM looks like for you and your partner ssince someone else's methods won't necessarily get you going.
As it should. Besides oftentimes being inaccurate, the portrayals of BDSM you've seen in film or porn are probably not going to work for you they tend to be a tad Richmond recommends reading up on BDSM, taking a class to learn about moves and scenarios you can play out with your partner, and bringing in a sex therapist if need be, so that you can figure out what your version of the practice looks like. But to get a better grasp on what each of three mean, here's a quick primer, from Richmond:. Your experience doesn't have to involve all threeor even both roles within a category.
You might discover, for example, that you're naturally dominant or submissive, or someone who can switch back and forth between both.
Or you might even realize that while you like being tied down bondageyou don't particularly enjoy going under the whip discipline. Sit down with your partner and have an honest conversation about your desires, what turns you on, and what your boundaries are. Richmond stresses that this convo, which is incredibly important before trying any type of BDSM or any sex act, really must be done face-to-face, since "eye contact is how we communicate empathy. Because BDSM typically involves surrendering control, trust and communication is everything. It's extremely important that you're as specific as possible with your partner about what you want and don't want, as they should be with you.
For s&m sex ideas, let them know if the idea of being blindfolded excites you but having your hands cuffed makes you anxious. Similarly, hear them out if they tell you they never want to be in a submissive role.
From there, the two of you will be able to better negotiate consent and identify your limits to make sure that you're both comfortable throughout the process. If you realize that you're willing and wanting to go further than your partner, you might even discuss bringing an additional person into the mix. A third party whose boundaries better match up with yours can ensure that you all have fulfilling experiences—as long as, of course, your partner is on board. If they're not, try to talk to your partner about what they might be comfortable with trying at least once with you, to see how they truly feel about it.
If they absolutely can't get behind experimenting with some of your fantasies, Richmond notes that it's common for couples to agree that "when there's one partner who wants to do more, they will go to sex party or a dungeon.
Remember how Christian Grey and Anastasia had a written contract? It actually wasn't a horrible idea. Since BDSM is all about communication, communication, and communication, it might be helpful to write down what you and your partner discuss in a contract of sorts—even if you're dating or married. This way you'll have something to refer to when you need a refresher on your partner's boundaries, says Richmond. As you get more comfortable with BDSM and want to take it further, you can come back to your contract, renegotiate, and make amendments.
This can be kind of fun—not weird or transactional—because it ups the excitement for what's to come emphasis on come. That might be a hotel on your next vacation where it might be easier to tap into a different personaa room reserved for power-play sex, or just your boring old bedroom.
As long as it's a place you feel safe, you're good to go. Speaking of safety, if things go too far and you or your partner cross a boundary you didn't anticipate, decide on a word you'll both say and obviously listen to if that time comes. Richmond suggests s&m sex ideas something totally random that you wouldn't normally say in the bedroom, such as "milkshake" or "turtleneck.
Once you hear or say the safe word, everything should stop immediately. BDSM only works when it's mutual pleasurable for everyone involved—so as soon as it's clear things have pushed too far, game over. Ask s&m sex ideas partner if they're okay, stay by their side until they've expressed what it is s&m sex ideas called for the safe word, and then ask them what they'll need from that moment forward, says Richmond.
Example: Giving two light taps to let your S. BDSM is exciting in its own right, but bringing in toys and props can take the fun up a notch, says Richmond. Head to a sex store with your partner and let your imagination run wild. The same way props and toys can bring out your dominant side or the masochist in you, dressing the part can be just as helpful in setting the scene. For example, if you're the submissive during the experience, you might try a choker—or a cat mask and tail—to represent your willingness to obey your "owner" during the session.
Have fun with it! You don't need to go all-out Halloween-stylebut if a little costume or accessory helps you channel your inner sex goddess, wear it proudly. This makes going slowly essential. You can familiarize yourself with which moves might be too rough for you or your partner and decide whether or not you actually enjoy, say, having your hair pulled during doggy. Whether you're just getting into BDSM or you're a seasoned pro, the practice will always be "an experiential process where the more you do, the more you'll know," says Richmond.
She assures she's "very rarely heard of someone getting hurt beyond what was agreed upon," but you still have your partner to think about.
Taking your time helps ensure that you don't cross their boundaries, either—because once you do, they might not want to give BDSM another go. This conversation, typically called "aftercare," is a chance to debrief by asking your partner about what they enjoyed most and what they were thinking when you, say, lightly spanked them. The verbal intimacy and vulnerability expressed after the BDSM experience will strengthen the bond you have with your partner.
And that's a whole other type of bondage worth getting behind. Weight Loss. United States. Type keyword s to search. Today's Top Stories. Masala Pepper And Cauliflower Omelet. ADragan Getty Images. Educate yourself. But to get a better grasp on what each of three mean, here's a quick primer, from Richmond: Bondage and discipline: Bondage is a form of sex play that focuses on restraint. Having another person control your pleasure is central here, and it can involve props such as handcuffs, ropes, blindfolds, or a range of restraints.
Discipline is almost always present in the relationship between a dominant partner and a submissive one. Dominance and submission: This describes the practice of giving power or s&m sex ideas submission to another who then takes it dominance. For some, the roles are full-time including outside the bedroomwhile for others, the roles are only taken on at predetermined times of erotic encounter.
Sadism and masochism: The acts of sadism and masochism are performed by people who derive pleasure from pain. The sadist enjoys inflicting pain on someone else, while the masochist enjoys receiving pain. Remember: This is pleasurable and one of the safest forms of sex because of the ificant amount of work put into boundary-setting and open communication.
Most people who engage in sadism or masochism enjoy a s&m sex ideas of empowerment from enduring something difficult. Start with a fantasy. Talk it out. Related Stories. You may be able to find the same content in another format, or you may be able to find more information, at their web site. Related Story. This content is created and maintained by a third party, and imported onto this to help users provide their addresses.
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A Beginner's Guide To BDSM, With Tips From A Sex Therapist